I've been thinking a lot lately about learning to love the process and what "the process" actually is. I find myself so focused on my end goal. Be successful. Use my skills. Afford a comfortable lifestyle. Find a partner. But there's an end to what we all strive for. Ultimately a process requires that we be fulfilled in the end. Then what? What's left for us to enjoy? It hit me like a brick wall when a co worker asked me what highway I used to get to work. I realized I didn't even know. I didn't know the highway I use and have been using almost every other day for the past four months. If that's not sheer embarrassment, I don't know what is. I recognize that Google Maps and I are far too close for comfort. Being so concerned about getting lost led to my dependency on the app and I never strayed once. It's easy to get into the motions. Easy to be comfortable. Easy to follow the path that's laid out for you. We all come to that time in our life when we don't know what the heck we're doing. At least, I hope we admit we do. Some days I chalk it up to the explanation of a full moon.
After intently researching my route to work, memorizing the highways, I realized I haven't been paying attention to the details of my struggle and the journey in all its uncomfortableness. I drive down the highway only focused on where I end up. I'm not paying attention to what I have in front of me. The raw moments of being vulnerable and scared, not knowing where I am. Those moments -when your girlfriends help you before a first date and the night of movies and ice-cream when it does work out. The words of inspiration and glass of wine when you have a rough day at work. The moment when you make a new friend in a huge new city and it finally starts to feel like home. And the time when the world around you conspires to remind you, you're exactly where you're supposed to be. Those moments -are often overlooked. The space between where I am right now and where I want to be scares the living daylights out of me. Learning to let that space motivate me instead of terrify me is a process that requires my own permission. It's hard when you see everyone around you so flawlessly acquiring what they want. It's hard to accept that you're struggling. And sometimes that struggle just makes you want to nap and give up. I'm learning to love (okay maybe like for now), this time in my life when it's all about the process. All about going on some pretty horrible and some pretty great dates. All about proving to yourself that even though you feel over qualified for a job, you're not above it. All about learning to truly love yourself because trusting your heart is vital when you start to make some serious life decisions. Then one day learning to love the process won't be hard and I won't have to take so many naps.
I just finished reading the Alchemist by Paul Coelho. A friend gave it to me awhile ago and I recently found it when unpacking. It's funny how things fall into your lap at the right time. Read it! Seriously.
“I don’t live in either my past or my future. I’m interested only in the present. If you can concentrate always on the present, you’ll be a happy man. Life will be a party for you, a grand festival, because life is the moment we’re living now.”
― Paulo Coelho, The Alchemist
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