Change

Today i came to a somewhat life altering realization. 

I think i have had trouble closing the last chapter that has been occurring in my life.  Therefore i’m scared to move and and creating a more meaningful and better chapter.  It’s as if i’m watching everything around me move on.  But why is it that things have to change?  There’s not one thing or event or person that changes something or someone, that’s what i have been telling myself.  I think it’s just life.  That’s it.  There’s nothing mind boggling about it.  I,  like the rest of the people my age, are at a time of a constant rate of change.  That’s hard for me to except.  It’s hard for me to think, “okay, these memories were great but i need create even better ones."  I need to be confident that i can find people who are more like me.  Why is that so hard sometimes?

And more importantly I want to have this thirst for life.

I want to be full of life and take advantage of every experience of someone my age.  I think the last year of my life has been severely lacking.  I’m stuck, I’ve been stuck.  I’m not trying to get rid of anyone in my life who means something to me.  Those people have helped me to realized this.  I certainly want a change in people who will appreciate me and appreciate change.  I've heard it said, “How can you get to your future, if your past is present?”   I need to find people who motivate me to be who i want to be. 

Which leads me to the concept of change. 

"Keep the pictures; they don’t change, only the people in them do."

There’s this feeling i get when i see old photographs.  It's hard to explain because I feel happy yet really sad, i guess its bittersweet.  Most of the people in them have changed. Things have changed. People look different, act different, and quite frankly are different people.  Life happens to everyone in different ways.  The past memories i think, are worth saving and remembering.  Yet at the same time, coming to terms with the fact that things are different is hard to swallow.  The people you once cherished and really depended on aren’t the same people.  You can’t depend on them or hold them important anymore.  That is actually the sad part.  So i guess that’s why i keep the photos.  To remind me that good memories do happen, even if they don’t last forever.  But then again, what good things do last forever?  Other than the love I have with God, nothing else is eternal.  I feel I can only truly depend on two people; God and myself.   Even that’s hard right?  because at times i think we all find ourselves a little disappointed in ourself.  So essentially, now, i feel i keep the photos and plaster them all over my walls to remind me to guard my heart but to not lose hope in the people I love.  

Goodnight,

xoxo

Le Premier

This is my first of many,

probably blabber if nothing else.

I wish i had something exciting to write about, like a new city or new experiences.  As of now i have normal and uneventful.  Who knows, maybe eventually whether soon or not, i’ll have a little spritz of something different.  Sometimes i feel a thirst for something different.  Other days i’m just content and comfortable.  I don’t know if i’m really ready for something new or to be on my own, in it’s entirety.  I am now, but i still have my family, which is just a drive away.  I’ve been here all my life, i know how to get everywhere and who people are.  I’ve never lived somewhere new.  It seems exhilarating yet scary.  The thought of the future is so confusing.  I have so many thoughts in my head concerning everything.. i guess this is just my way of of saying and getting it down, processing it. To make sense and to see where i get.

So this is the first of my many entries concerning me, my thoughts, and what’s going on around me.

Goodnight,

xoxo